The Pocket Dial

It's 4:00AM and I'm drunk driving two friends home. Just as I begin telling a slew of terrible stories, I simultaneously pocket dial Jennifer (a friend's cousin who admittedly liked me). Had I pocket dialed her five minutes earlier or later, Jennifer would likely have heard nothing but idle conversation. Instead I left her a lengthy voice mail in which I somewhat remember describing the following events.

ME:
So I'm at this party and some Chinese kid ( Editor's note: In
actuality I have no idea whether he wasn't actually Chinese or not) says
"He has a joke."
So I say to him: "Wait! Did you go pee-pee in my coke?"

The occupants of my car proceed to laugh hysterically about my racist comment. Unsatisfied, I continue to brag about another terrible endeavor.

ME:

Eddie and I went to visit James in San Francisco and he tells me
about this strip club/ peep show called the Lusty Lady. The
place reeks of jizzum and I shit you not: there are tissue paper
dispensers on the fucking wall! So Eddie and I are in adjacent
mastabatoriums eye-fucking an ass naked stipper and I yell to him:
"Dude this is weird! I can't just look someone in the eye
and jerk it! Are you jerking it?"


ME QUOTING EDDIE:
"No dude. I can't either. Check James out, he's totally jerking off!"
(Editor's note: the mastabatoriums don't actually use one-way
mirrors to prevent perverts like me from video taping them)

ME QUOTING NAKED STRIPPER:
"Look you guys are making impossible for the people who are
jerking off to jerk off.:

ME (CONTINUED)
"Sorry, WHORE!"

The car erupts in laughter again. According to the slew of angry text messages I received from Jennifer the following morning this is where my her message machine cut me off. Luckily, her message machine failed to record where I got incredibly inebriated and returned the night after. After I had drank my dignity away, I jerked off with full force, looking the stripper DEAD in the eye as I sprayed manseeds onto the wall in front of me.