Anyways, the real mayhem ensued sometime between the hours of 3:00 an 7:00 AM. The six of us remaining rented a suite in an upscale hotel located on the boardwalk. There are three of us in either bed of the two conjoining rooms. I am awaken promptly at 7:00 AM by my close friend, Scott
SCOTT
Everyone, wake up! You guys gotta see this.
ME
That sucks, someone puked.
That sucks, someone puked.
SCOTT
Not vomit. THAT'S A SHIT!
The commotion wakes a girl who was sleeping near the poop bed. She stands up directly into the human feces, which promptly squishes between her toes. Yet the strangest part is that the trajectory of smeark marks in front of the poo indicate that the suspect ass scuttled across the carpet like an animal with a dingle berry. Tensions are rising trying to find out exactly who the phantom pooper is. Logically, it would be whoever smells, or is covered in excrement. But miraculously everyone appears pretty sanitary. The investigation is further hindered because everyone was blacked out and cannot undoubtedly claim their innocence. Not vomit. THAT'S A SHIT!
SCOTT
There's a $100 dollar deposit on this room,
and I don't think were getting it back.
There's a $100 dollar deposit on this room,
and I don't think were getting it back.
Reluctantly, the two girls who slept on the bed with Scott clean the poo with hotel towels, but here the plot sickens. They find parsley in the poop and determine the culprit was someone who are tacos last night. I am now quite nervous, as I ate at least three last night.
SCOTT
There's a roll of toilet paper under the bed!
ME
This was a premeditated pooping!?!?
TYLER
This is poop with malice!
There's a roll of toilet paper under the bed!
ME
This was a premeditated pooping!?!?
TYLER
This is poop with malice!
Tensions begin rising, but even if the guilty member remembers the event, no one is copping to it. To ease the tension, I offer a "Grassy Knoll Magical Poop Theory" in which a deranged homeless bag-lady threw a poop into our third story window. This now makes everyone suspicious that I was the culprit. True, I was blacked out, but in my defense: I'm never even had a cavity, let alone walk pass a pristine bathroom to defecate on the floor next to three passed out friends. I also have an internal hemorrhoid which gives me distinct rectal bleeding. Currently, all evidence points toward the birthday girl, Elizabeth, as she woke up without pants and her proximity to the poop was quite suspicious. She was also the only one to shower the following morning. But, in her defense, she made a bowel movement the following morning that was so massive it clogged the toilet (unless of course she was trying to flush her soiled undergarments). At this time there remain six suspects, but no leads.
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